The not-so novel yet classically empowering coffee ad by Nescafe entitled "Free at Last", with the woman, starting anew after a failed relationship stroke something inside me.. some feral primitive emotion that I can only hope as empathy.

Women of all ages, from different walks of life, from different socio-economic strata only have one thing in common… getting up after the long hard fall and tumble. Truth, there is no easy quick way, no 12 step action program, no fast answers on healing. It's lowering to admit in group therapy when you say your name and admit you're an ex-aholic. Toothaches, migraines and pregnancy labors are much more easier to handle. There's always lidocaine, novocaine and someone to shout to, or threaten to kill when you're suffering from any of it, but a broken heart? Ah, what hasn't been written and said when it comes to a Broken Heart? It's a sad trite cliché that reverberates in our head and gains momentum in our totally battered heart. "Where did it all go wrong?", you ask. "It seemed so perfect. He was THE ONE! I was so absolutely sure". To which, I can only reply with a shaking head and a pitying voice… "Oh honey..".

"Absolute certainty is the greatest of all illusions.", I read that little bit somewhere. Nothing destroys a relationship more than the absolute certainty that both of you are meant for each other ergo, you will railroad your way in a relationship that's really doomed to end; force your way to make him accept that you're soul mates and lastly, beg him to make you his THE ONE. To which, he will typically react by dumping you, running away and get a restraining order against you. Not necessarily in that order.

· Never assume anything when in a relationship. Haven't you heard? Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. Do not mistake the great mind blowing sex for anything more than it is. So he gives you the occasional lost puppy dog looks, he may just want to get into your pants (if he still hasn't) or borrow money from you since he's strapped for a little cash. Its hard not to mistake physically chemistry when you're doing anatomy research but for your own self-preservation, he may actually just be on it for the experiment. When a woman has said so many lies as often as we have, it becomes destructive to pretend that everything is peachy keen when its not, is it?

Listen to your heart and listen well. On dates, does he always stand you up, make excuses not to be with you? You've been seeing each other for almost a year, yet you don't find it weird, he's never asked you to meet his family and friends? When youre sick, does he even know? Bother to call? Bring you soup? Does he even remember your birthday? Can he be bothered to bring you flowers on Valentines? If the answer is a resounding no to all questions, honey, I can tell you how much arsenic to give him. Too often, we say to ourselves, "he'll change. He cares, in his own way" Are you even hearing yourself as you justify this crap? It's a very heart warming thought when we believe we can change the person, save him from eternal relationship damnation but that's all it really is, a heart warming thought. Too often, we say to ourselves, "Its okay. I can still take it. I'm used to it". Nobody is ever used to being treated badly. When the septic tank is full, its time to call in the cleaners or better yet, take him to one.

If you've had enough rationalizing, justifying, proving, then its time to decide what to do. If you've had enough, then:

  1. Make a clean break. Don't call, don't be friends with him. The more you see him, the more you'll fall easily to the trap. As your fingers itch to call or email him, resist the temptation.

  2. Take out the trash (yes, I meant him and all his other belongings) Clean out his stuff from your place or auction it off. Sell it at e-bay. Somebody's trash is always someone else's treasure-that applies to your ex.

  3. Listen to angry girl music by Alanis, Pink, Tori Amos and immerse your ears in the sheer misery of it all.

  4. Read feminist poetry and revel in the fact that weaker women have risen from the experience and that stronger women have succumbed to the stupidity.

  5. Shop till you drop. Its therapeutic to be beautiful. It pays to be beautiful. Its good for the ego. For so long, you've stroked his ego by being submissive and becoming a door mat. I understand the male ego is like a penis with a very thin glass covering. The woman's ego is like a pair of breast. It is at its best when properly accessorized.

  6. Go cold turkey. Like most addictions, you have to totally withdraw yourself from experience. If you find yourself thinking about him, his pretty face and his great bod; if you get flashbacks on the great sex, start thinking of him as a Johnny Bravo getting blown up because of his idiocy or take a cold shower or fantasize about the pizza delivery boy but whatever you do, don't dial his number.

  7. Count your blessings you didn't marry the guy or if you did, then be grateful, you didn't spend 60 years of your life wasting away like a rotten green vegetable and looking like gangrene.

  8. Stop blaming yourself. Its more constructive to dwell on the fact that you have risen from the fall like a phoenix. And unlike a phoenix, you don't get the chance to burn him alive.

  9. Take up a hobby. Learn how to box, para glide, shoot a gun. Crocheting and knitting. Flirt with the instructor while on the shooting range. Dangerous but it could produce a most satisfying result. You've had a bad experience, what's the worst thing that could happen when you take up a new hobby?

10. Don't jump in another relationship. This is the more typical mistake. Give yourself time. Time to heal. Tome to feel alive again. Time to love yourself more. If true love comes, it will come at the best opportunity. Rebound relationships almost never works. Rebound sex on the other hand, does wonders for the skin, body and ego.

If one really believes there is no shame in being used, she's deluding herself. But the great thing about is, we can put it behind. It will take a long time but eventually, we'll feel whole again. Alive and renewed. Then, maybe, just maybe, we can start believing in someone but right now, you've got yourself. That's what counts.